There are some days that just overwhelm me. I read a very informative blog about parenting that my daughter had written. It made so much sense. It was fun practical advice about parenting. The second time I read it though, I saw something that devastated me. She said, “I grew up in a household of constant screaming, and I don’t want to do that to my kids.” That was me she was talking about. It wasn’t until I talked to my son that I was able to rationalize what she had said. It was her way I saying, “ I am a better mother. I didn’t make mistakes like YOU did.” He also reminded me of how patient I had been the first five times I had asked them to do something……before I screamed.
My daughter’s and my circumstances are so different. Her husband works a normal work day. He doesn’t have to be at work terribly early. He can help her get the girls ready for school, she has a support system. He also doesn’t have to work late or work for hours on the computer once he is home. When dinner is started, he can entertain the kids, or fix dinner while my daughter entertains the kids. He helps her put them to bed, can read them stories, she is seldom alone in parenting. She gets that much needed break in her day when he gets home to relax a little and regroup. She doesn’t have to parent when she is overtired from not having a break for five days. He is home every night.
When my children were little my husband left early on Monday morning, if not on Sunday night. He was out of town until usually midnight on Friday when he drove in. My days started when the children awoke. I had no car some of those years, so I was their constant companion. I fixed three meals, fed them played with them, took them for walks comforted them in the afternoon when nothing made them happy, then bathed them, read to them and put them to bed,then, only then did I get a break..until someone woke up crying in the night or morning when it started all over again. It was that way for five days each week. When Jim did get home, the kids were excited to see him. They consumed his whole weekend. They wanted to play with him, I still had three meals each day to cook, Jim’s laundry to get done and eight white dress shirts to wash, starch and iron in the two days before he left again. My home time on the weekends was even busier than the weekdays. I had no time to regroup, rest or even visit with him because the kids needed him. When he left on Monday morning I was usually in tears because I was so tired and lonely. I lived for the twice a week he could call me and talk for 15 minutes. When those 15 minutes were gone, I cried again from being lonely. On the weeks when he could stay in town he left as early as 6 am drive to see clients 50 or 100 miles away. He seldom was home before 7 pm and even then had several hours of work to do before going to bed. I am not making excuses….just comparing the circumstances….it makes a difference when you can be rested and have daily support as a parent.
I did yell at my kids. I did make mistakes. I wasn’t the perfect mother, why does she think I held myself up AS being perfect? I never did. I apologized to my kids when I realized I had made a mistake in judgement...and that was often.
My mother wasn’t perfect either, she made mistakes, but I knew she was being the best mother she could possibly be. Before she died, she told me she wished she hadn’t been so consumed with her career but I knew that was just the way she was. I loved her intensity and success. I wanted to be like her.
Truly loving someone is like childbirth…..you forget the painful parts and concentrate on the parts you loved. My daughter never really loved me in the first place…..sometimes that happens. Now the pain between us is over, I no longer even know where she lives, we have gone our separate ways….we are free of the pain and can both be happy now. I still love her and cherish the time I had with her.
